For many years I’ve been concerned with the idea of ebb and flow - more specifically the flow portion, and even more specifically how to apply it to my daily life.
I’m not sure if it’s an aspect of being neurodivergent, in terms of what others experience in their reality, but there is very little natural flow in my life, or how I perceive moving from event to event. I live in a pretty stilted reality most of the time. I have a lot going on during a typical day, and I find it very difficult to go from doing one thing to another without experiencing a low-level sense of impending dread.
Does “dread” seem like an odd word to you to use in this context? I have no idea, but that’s where I land when I think about it and try to distill it down into words. Dread.
Now, unlike most common associations you might have with this word, the “dread” I experience is not a fear that something bad is going to happen. Rather, it is the waiting and knowing that I have to do this “thing” at a later time. It sits on me like a wet, wool blanket. Because of this, time is stilted. My perspective is that everything starts and stops like a jerking train car coming into the station. It’s unnatural, and little comes together seamlessly.
Hence, My Interest in Flow
How wonderful it would be if I could just move effortlessly from one event in my life to another without seeing that transition as a monumental effort or heavy lift. To be able to go from, say, working on a logo to getting up and going to the grocery store without feeling like my life is being majorly disrupted — that sounds a bit like paradise to me.
The concept of flow is something I’ve been working on seriously for the past two years. It’s taken me most of my life to get to a point where I want things to be easier. I never want things to be harder than they need to be, but I’m also one of those people who will live with discomfort for an inordinate amount of time.
Two years ago I started with a challenging mental shift. I began trying to decouple the emotional weight I felt from physical events. This is no easy task. To change perspective on something you ultimately see as negative, and reframing it as a positive is hard. I decided early on to not try to get to a positive emotional state.
Tell My Wife I Said…Hello
The first step I took was to try and see the transition from obligation to obligation as an emotionally neutral process. And, I was able to get there - let’s say 67%. How? By removing the emotional component. I changed the words I use to describe my obligations. I, quite literally, got in the habit of saying, “It’s just a thing” whenever I felt that dread coming on.
My reasoning is simple, obligations are negative, but “things” by nature are emotionless blobs. And if they’re emotionless, can I really be mad at them? It’s a waste of my time. So, I changed my wording and I changed my perspective.
The Medication Station
Once I started to feel a bit more comfortable with that process, I turned to medication as a second step. One of the problems I struggle with is being consistent in taking meds. I need them. I know this. Things are hard mentally without them.
Did Van Gogh need to lose his ear to create his beautiful sunflowers? I doubt it. The raw fact is that we’re simply not better at what we do when we are emotionally diminished.
Yet, I’ve been on and off with my meds for years since my diagnosis. I decided not to do that anymore. So, I take them each morning now, and while I still haven’t worked up to the full dose, it’s made a real difference. That 67% that I had traversed was shaky without medication, but the clarity that comes from my meds made that number rock solid. It might have even taken me up a few percentage points — let’s say 77%.
The meds are new. I’ve only been taking them for a couple of months, but I feel better. I take them most days, especially when I have a full workload where I need to be productive and sociable in client meetings.
Flow State or Stalemate?
So, have I achieved flow? Have these changes made me better able to live my life as a human? Am I better at work? Am I better at running a studio? I believe I’m getting there.
I still struggle — that won’t change. Yet, it’s getting easier to move from one thing to another more easily without that heavy weight on my back. And, in the past couple of weeks, I’ve even started to look forward to some of the things I have coming up. It’s a wonderful feeling, a gift.
Why Share?
Why is any of this important? As agency owners, freelancers, and creative professionals, our mental health is not always a top priority. For me, I gave into my mental state for years, ignoring what I needed, which was a real change in perspective. The need for medication was also not in me, and everything suffered.
I don’t want to go back there.
How is your mental health doing? Whether you deal with neurodiversity like I do, or you have other emotional challenges, you owe it to yourself to prioritize your mental well-being.
As creative professionals, we strive for greatness. We yearn to create. We desire to share our vision with those around us. We don’t need to do it from a weakened mental position. Did Van Gogh need to lose his ear to create his beautiful sunflowers? I doubt it. The raw fact is that we’re simply not better at what we do when we are emotionally diminished.
We can’t be the best if we don’t give the best. And sometimes, that giving needs to be to ourselves.